blog my memory

3pm and i'll patch again!

2010-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

no time like the present!

after a few packs and many hacks, i am back on track. (grooooan)

hope, pray, everyday.

today's reason to quit smoking: TO SAVE MONEY NOW AND ON FUTURE HEALTH BILLS

ok.....so.....hmmm.

2010-01-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

i had 3 cigarettes (bummed) at the haunt on sunday night. not sure why, just wanted them and i had them. grrr. then i bought a pack. i have since bought another pack. what am i doing?

i really hate to say it, but i think that my man's coming off of his sobriety pact with himself made it easier for me to slide. i was really feeding off of his energy about that and when he lost it, so did i. not blaming anyone but myself.

i'm feeling now like i am not ready again- WHY? why do i like it so much? do i?

i'm going day by day and sooner or later i'll be better again.

todays reason to quit smoking: IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...

f'in great!

2010-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

feeling so great! the kids are great! my man is great! my best friend meg is great! my other friends and family are great! so proud of myself over this weekend.

i know i am off it. i can do this. i love making me choices.

today's reason to quit smoking: BECAUSE IT IS LAME

stay on target...

2010-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

today was hard. lots of cravings and ravings. even with the patch. but no trips or slips. steady as she goes. i'm bringing this boat to shore, even if i have to make my own oars.

my fingernails are paying dearly. not a pretty sight- not that they ever were, mind you, but...damn. i have to start a knitting project soon, that will undoubtedly help.

today's reason to quit smoking: SO THAT MY KIDS DO NOT SEE ME SMOKING

still going strong

2010-01-11T04:36:00.001-08:00

day 3 has dawned. no post yesterday due to lots of distractions from my smoke-free boyfriend. hooray for him and hooray for me. facebook friends have also been insanely helpful.

i'm not missing it as much as i thought i would. and not eating up a storm. so far so good. a touch of the smoker's cough clearing my lungs out. my newly acquired asthma inhaler helps.

right now, a pack of smokes in NY generally goes for $8. i'm going to track my savings to keep me inspired. so, today marks $16 saved. go me.

today's reason to quit smoking: FOR MY HEALTH

upon the occasion of smoking cessation

2010-01-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

today, i hope i've kicked it for good. around 3pm on saturday, january 9, 2010, i had my last cigarette. i decided to re-start blogging to try to make it through this. constantly remind myself to stick to it.

i am lucky that i have found love. it will surely help carry me along. that, and the patch on my left hip.

today's reason to quit smoking: BECAUSE I WANT TO.

that is all for now.

i need a break

2009-02-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

lonely in upstate
guess it's just my fate
but i didn't want to wait
or hate...any longer
i need a beer
the coyotes are near
the future ain't clear
but i'm here...maybe stronger

hungry in upstate
no food on my plate
but i can't hesitate
or berate...chin up now
keep the kids happy
steal some time for me
sing me a story
of glory...right now

between the copse of birch trees
and the crabapple tree
i know i can be
a much better me
between the city lights
and the cold cold nights
i know i can be
a much better me

the proof is in the puddin', and by puddin', i mean poetry!

2009-02-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

"i.d." (written circa 1993)

i've pressed myself
supressed myself
depressed myself damn!
i'm many things to many people...
i want to be one thing to myself

i've had too much to think
too much to drink
too much to think about!
what you really think i am
is what i wish i wasn't
i'm many things to many people...
i want to be one thing to myself

i can't get to sleep
can't get too deep
don't get to keep my identity
they pull it away from me...
they pull it away from me...
i'm many things to many people...
i want to be one thing to myself

untitled (written circa 1995)

i got a message from outside
it planted me in the ground
when you see with your eyes
there's just nothing around
i took the signal to run faster
to a place i'd been in dreams
i took a drink of happiness
which is more than it seems
someone is pulling for me
i can taste that smell in their eyes
i fall backwards backwards forwards
it cuts me down to size
slinking in corners so no one knows
the roots are planted, still i grow

so i saw a man about some love
he told me to stop it and play in the rain
it's so much better to be insane

thoughts all gnarled like a tree trunk
they grab me, suspend me
i see everything from above
all its weight and density
did i think you'd understand
this stuck feeling? no, never
this unbelonging tie that's there
and may be there forever
when i cry to the earth to free me
yet you pull me and i stay
something tells me someone doesn't
feel like taking me today
i wonder if tomorrow he'll change his mind
i wonder what it is i'm going to find

untitled (written circa 2000)

sometimes i sit and think and think
what the fuck do i think about?
i think about you and i think about me
and why did we choose to live this way-
did we really have a choice
and if we really had a choice
what would we choose?
sometimes i sit and cry and cry
yeah, i always know what i'm cryin' about
either i'm sick of this or sick of that
and why did i choose to live this way?
did i really have a choice
and if i really had a choice
what would i choose?
what would i choose?
every step i make sends me deeper
every road i take sends me away
every step i make sends me steeper
every road i take sends me away
sometimes i sit and yell and scream
i used to know what i scream about
it all just scares me a little too much
and why did i choose to live this way-
did i really have a choice
and if i really had a choice
what would i choose?
what would i choose?
what could i choose?
when there's everything to lose?

more honest living through lyrics

2009-01-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

I've been lost inside my head,
Echoes fall off me.
I took the prize last night for complicatedness
For saying things I didn't mean and don't believe.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I've become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

Mmmmmm I see...This echoing.

You have placed your trust in me.
I went upside-down.
I emptied out the room in thirty seconds flat,
I can't believe you held your ground.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I've become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

I'm overwhelmed, I'm on repeat,
I'm emptied out, I'm incomplete.
You trusted me, I want to show you
I don't want to be the hollow man.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I've become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?
I see...

Lyrics: Hollow Man, REM

happy birthday to my ex

2009-01-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

you'll be spending it with her
and that's fine
you're no longer mine

one year is so short, yet so long
i wish i knew
what to say or do

you will always be in my heart
no matter what they say
have a happy birthday

drunken post

2008-12-26T19:24:00.001-08:00

wow. almost published a blank post (see title)
i cannot express in words what i feel.
my life is changing (for the better?) it better!
will anyone understand? maybe not. but maybe the people that DO understand are the only people that i need/want in my life right now.
selfish?
about time?
hmmm....
glad i don't have any MORE alcohol...
i am so full and empty at the same time!
i wish for a less complicated life- a more livable one. a more socially acceptable one.
wait a minute- who CARES what people think? do i care? wait....do i? i don't know?!!??!? i used to care, and that's what got me INTO this mess! shouldn't i not care? but....god i'm confused.

substantiating evidence

2008-12-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

here is the first official song that i ever wrote with my guitar in the backyard of my house. i was 10- just before my 11th birthday. at the time i wrote it, i remember saying that it was about a ghost. i used to lie a lot when i was a kid.

No One Sees Me (written May 6, 1986)

the wind at my back, the grass at my feet
the twittering of birds, the cars on the street
the children having fun, playing with everyone
and they never see me
the flowers sing songs, the trees laugh at me
the bushes dance along, the bees keep me company
the dogs yelp and bark at the bothersome lark
and they never see me

the sun shines bright, the little buds sway
the sun gives off sunlight, but it never shines my way
now the wind pushes me to go away
but the funny thing is, no one sees me

the leaves toss and turn, as the soil lays still
the pretty flowers bloom on the windowsill
they laugh at my puns, but i never have fun
because i know they can't see me
now i am lonely, clouds cover the sky
i think i'm a phony, i don't know why
i'm probably not living, i must have died
but why are they thinking i'm really alive?

more songspiration

2008-11-25T07:07:00.000-08:00

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it, this time we're through
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Memories, good days, bad days
They'll be with me always
In these old familiar rooms children would play
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face it, this time we're through
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Lyrics: Knowing Me, Knowing You, ABBA

one of my favortie songs comes true...

2008-11-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

today, 14 years ago, my future ex-husband and i decided to "go steady". and now, 14 years later, the final draft of the separation papers are on the table, and i turn up Track 7 on "The Mollusk":

Baby what have I done
Gone and left you, all alone
It's hard for me to sing this song
We've been together for so long
I think I know what my soul's got to say
And it won't hurt as bad, someday
It's gonna be alright, baby
It's gonna be alright, love
And if the mist ever lets the sun through
I'll just hope I did the right thing
For me and you
Guess I'm ruled by my heart
Built a life and I tore it all apart
It's just not our time
But you'll find a new love,
and you'll be fine
So many dark and lonely nights
But I believe someday I'll see the light
It's gonna be alright, baby
It's gonna be alright, love
And if the mist ever lets the sun through
I'll just hope I did the right thing
For me and you

Lyrics: It's Gonna be (Alright), Ween

pet peeve

2008-11-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

when you call your local utility company, and get robo-chick
para continuar en espanol marca el dos- or whatever 6 years of spanish and i'm SO BAD
and she drones: please enter your account number, followed by the pound sign
and then...please wait...and ring ring ring and (if you're lucky)
a real person who sounds like they're hella bored and eating chips and you can hear kids roughhousing in the background does their best ben stein impression and says:
may i have your account number please?
...
hasn't technology advanced to the point that my keypad punch automatically informed the "customer service representative" of my account number?
but my account number just routes the call to the appropriate work-from-home rep in my geographic vicinity.
that next person has to start all over again and get my account number.

and god forbid you get transferred- you gotta give it again!
today, i called, keypad punched, gave my #, got transferred, gave my #, then the system was down and i had to call back, and i called back, keypad punched, gave my #, got transferred, gave my #, and then- oh yes- GOT TRANSFERRED, GAVE MY #
i am not over-exaggerating for dramatic blog fodder.
...
true customer service demands a more streamlined information flow. someone's got to get on this!

i love this town!

2008-11-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

went to vote between 8 and 8:30am this morning.

i parked right by the door.

inside, i was the only one in line for my last name and my location (west side of the road).

i walked directly into a voting booth and voted.

i think i was away from home all of 15 minutes! i love this town!

real life ain't perfect

2008-11-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

real life ain't perfect
it hardly is what we want it to be
but if i take responsibility
and take care of me
the rest will take care of itself

i cannot love unless i love
the girl in the mirror i'll never speak of
it's a solitary solution
to avoid hurt and confusion
so i'm not confused all about me and you

i want you to be happy without me
i'm not sure how much you've ever been within me
i thought i knew the stuff of love
but i guess those are things that i never think of
i'm thinking that i need to be alone

A Leaf (written November 5, 1990, but true today)

2008-10-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

I wear a guise of green
which,
come autumn,
turns vibrant red or gold.
I might look beautiful to your eye,
but I'm dying inside.
Your branch holds me,
and though during the summertime
I accepted your grip
on my life,
even welcomed it:
seasons change.
The wind blows.
I long to fly in it.
Let me go.
Let me die.

reality?

2008-10-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

don't feel love, don't feel hate
i feel a little too little a little too late

don't save face or compensate
i feel a little too little a little too late

never thought i'd break my vow
we'll try to work through it somehow
but maybe we are different now

don't feel bad, don't feel great
i feel a little too little a little too late

don't want to nibble on your bait
i feel a little too little a little too late

never thought i'd break my vow
i don't know how i'm feeling now

so i'll try to get by
for the kids, you, and i
try to build it again
and stand by my man
if i can

or maybe it's time to play it straight
or say it's much too little, and much too late

let's do the time warp again

2008-10-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

until this morning, i was under the impression that after this coming weekend, halloween was the next weekend. i was totally forgetting about a weekend in between now and then. wow.

i guess when every day is pretty similar and weekends are just another day, it all just kind of forms this amorphous time blob that i seem to suspend in like fruit pieces in a jello mold.

and on that note, maybe i should take a nap.

looking forward to my winter of discontent

2008-10-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

my little girl is confused by christmas decorations everywhere- it may as well be winter!

my heart is sick and i don't see it bouncing back soon.

my little boy will be one in less than a month.

i wonder when/if i will be one? i suppose i will always be at least three.

the constant caretaker

2008-10-10T12:11:00.001-07:00

i do not get sick days
i am always at the beck and call of everyone in the household

it tends to wear on the soul...

only users lose...

2008-09-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

blogs.

i accidentally deleted my blog today. the whole of it. i had no backup. oh well. into the ether! guess i lost a poem or a funny kid story or two.... : (

i am making a secondary blog about knitting and child-rearing. this venture is what led to the accidental deletion of the "old" blog my memory.

clean slate. too bad i feel like such a loser! once more into the breach!